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No Love

I think one of the very hardest parts is knowing you will never have that kind of love a person dreams of having. Being with a partner that would go to the ends of the earth for you.

All the 80's movies I watched growing up - I knew it wasn't how it really happened ... but there is always that small glimmer of hope you get a little of that.

If there is a way to go in the opposite direction - that is what I had.

Almost 18 years together and the man still doesn't know when my birthday is. It is a running joke but one that stings.

In December 2000, when we first started dating he got me this amazing bubble lamp. It won me over. I felt like I had met someone that knew me right away.

In December of 2007, he got me a brown jewelry box and our daughter a pink one.

In October of 2014, he got me a Cheshire Cat figurine while we were at Disneyworld.

Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying the way to my heart is to buy me things. It isn't the things that matter. When you get someone something it means you are thinking about them. That you see something that is uniquely them and want to get it and bring a smile to their face.

It also means 16 Christmases came and went without a present under the tree for me - unless of course I bought it, wrapped it and put it under the tree myself.

And 18 birthdays happened without a gift from my significant other.

I got a card and maybe some flowers from the drugstore the morning of my birthday, Mother's Day or Valentine's Day that he went to get before I got up.

He made me breakfast my second Mother's Day and I try and remember that part - what I try and forget is that he got mad at me because I asked if there was any french toast that didn't have syrup on it already. We had been together 7 years at that point and he still didn't know or care that I didn't like syrup. He gave me a plate of french toast swimming in syrup because that is the way he eats it.

He would say "I love you" all the time ... still does but I honestly think a narcissist doesn't know what that means.

I have come to the conclusion that "I love you" from a narcissist means "I love what you do for me but if it involves me doing anything for you 'I'm not fucking doing it' is my response."

I've heard, "I'm not fucking doing it" so many times I thought about making him a t-shirt that says that so he could point to it and not have to say it anymore.
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