A lot has changed in 26 days.
I've wanted to write but just haven't had the chance or privacy.
On September 25th he found out he has cancer. Lung cancer. He came to the house to tell me in person and for support and has been home ever since. I honestly am not the kind of person that could have it any other way. 18 years is too long to just turn your back on someone who is about to face a battle like this.
In these 3 weeks, we have gone to the pulmonologist, had a PET scan, a brain MRI, breathing test, another pulmonologist appointment and on Thursday we are seeing a thoracic surgeon about a lymph node biopsy. We know it is stage 3 lung cancer but not if it is stage 3A or 3B.
He doesn't do well waiting for all these appointments and test. I don't know that anyone would do well.
He has been sleeping on the couch and we are working on clearing out the downstairs bedroom so he has a place of his own.
I would say we are running 40/60 on good to bad days. He has a lot of time on his hands during the day to worry and be upset and that doesn't do well for his mood - or any of ours.
It all just sucks.
All the courage it took me to finally tell him I didn't want to be treated like that anymore. That I didn't want to be married anymore. To start moving forward in a positive way ... and this crap. CANCER.
And there are times now when I could understand the anger. Against cancer. But the stupid stuff he lets get stuck in his craw and then becomes so angry is just hard.
I so badly want to say to him:
I've wanted to write but just haven't had the chance or privacy.
On September 25th he found out he has cancer. Lung cancer. He came to the house to tell me in person and for support and has been home ever since. I honestly am not the kind of person that could have it any other way. 18 years is too long to just turn your back on someone who is about to face a battle like this.
In these 3 weeks, we have gone to the pulmonologist, had a PET scan, a brain MRI, breathing test, another pulmonologist appointment and on Thursday we are seeing a thoracic surgeon about a lymph node biopsy. We know it is stage 3 lung cancer but not if it is stage 3A or 3B.
He doesn't do well waiting for all these appointments and test. I don't know that anyone would do well.
He has been sleeping on the couch and we are working on clearing out the downstairs bedroom so he has a place of his own.
I would say we are running 40/60 on good to bad days. He has a lot of time on his hands during the day to worry and be upset and that doesn't do well for his mood - or any of ours.
It all just sucks.
All the courage it took me to finally tell him I didn't want to be treated like that anymore. That I didn't want to be married anymore. To start moving forward in a positive way ... and this crap. CANCER.
And there are times now when I could understand the anger. Against cancer. But the stupid stuff he lets get stuck in his craw and then becomes so angry is just hard.
I so badly want to say to him:
Right now I am seeing 2 ways to look at things:
1) You are preparing to fight for your life and you need to let go or put away the things that fill your mind and body with anger. Your body needs positivity for this fight. All that stuff will still be there if you want it when you have won this fight. Then you can choose how you are going to deal with those things then.
Or
2) These are the last weeks, months or year of your life and why spend them on the stuff that fills your mind and body with anger. Fill them with what makes your heart laugh. Leave the ones you love with the vision of your smile and the sound of your laughter to carry them through their dark times.
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