My Squished Penny Life

A lot has changed in 26 days. I've wanted to write but just haven't had the chance or privacy. On September 25th he found out he has cancer. Lung cancer. He came to the house to tell me in person and for support and has been home ever since. I honestly am not the kind of person that could have it any other way. 18 years is too long to just turn your back on someone who is about to face a battle like this. In these 3 weeks, we have gone to the pulmonologist, had a PET scan, a brain MRI, breathing test, another pulmonologist appointment and on Thursday we are seeing a thoracic surgeon about a lymph node biopsy. We know it is stage 3 lung cancer but not if it is stage 3A or 3B. He doesn't do well waiting for all these appointments and test. I don't know that anyone would do well. He has been sleeping on the couch and we are working on clearing out the downstairs bedroom so he has a place of his own. I would say we are running 40/60 on good to bad days. He has a

I think one of the very hardest parts is knowing you will never have that kind of love a person dreams of having. Being with a partner that would go to the ends of the earth for you. All the 80's movies I watched growing up - I knew it wasn't how it really happened ... but there is always that small glimmer of hope you get a little of that. If there is a way to go in the opposite direction - that is what I had. Almost 18 years together and the man still doesn't know when my birthday is. It is a running joke but one that stings. In December 2000, when we first started dating he got me this amazing bubble lamp. It won me over. I felt like I had met someone that knew me right away. In December of 2007, he got me a brown jewelry box and our daughter a pink one. In October of 2014, he got me a Cheshire Cat figurine while we were at Disneyworld. Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying the way to my heart is to buy me things. It isn't the things that matte

Things weren't always bad. I have to keep remembering that or I will beat the hell out of myself. If they had been bad from the start that would mean I am just an idiot. No, at one time they were great - I was in love and happy. It just all changed at some point. On July 13th I left. Some would say I had the courage to leave. I don't know that that was it. I just couldn't deal with the shit anymore. I thought if I didn't walk out at that moment the stress was going to kill me. And if I'm gone the kids are with just him. And there was no way I was leaving my 2 kids with him. We were together 6422 days - 17.5 years. I decided on March 29th I just couldn't do it anymore. It was another birthday ruined by his shit. Our son's. I started thinking - if it isn't about him he finds a way to make it about him. I could let it slide when the person affected was me - but not one of the kids. That night I purchased the book " I Am Free ". I am not ev

I needed to write. I tried handwriting a journal but it slows me down. The idea is nice and I did it for years and years but it is slow.  Words and ideas were coming to me faster than I could get them on paper and since I type like a demon I figured switching would mean I wouldn't lose those ideas. But I needed a name. I sat here staring and staring at the screen trying to figure out what that could be. While pen to paper was slowing me down - now coming up with some name for this was doing the same thing. There on my desk lay one of my squished pennies. I love squished pennies. They are my favorite souvenir to get when traveling. You take a penny, useful currency and squish it into something unusable. It can no longer be spent. Some would say it is now worthless. But during that squishing process it gets imprinted with images and words and designs to remind you of something special, something fun and exciting. While it may no longer be good for i